Ellie Goulding in Cosmopolitan UK: I'm Not Changing For Anyone
During her very revealing interview with the publication, the "Lights" songstress opened up about her past struggles with anxiety and shared details about her father abandoning her as a child.
Highlights from Miss Goulding's interview are as follows. For more, be sure to pay a visit to Cosmopolitan UK!
On her panic attacks:
“One day after a shoot I was on a train going to a funeral and my heart was pounding; I thought I was having a heart attack. When I got to Cardiff, the next train was cancelled, so I had to get in a cab with strangers to Hereford. I was so scared I reached over to this woman and said, ‘I think I’m dying.’ I called a friend to take me to hospital, where they told me it was just a panic attack. From that day, I kept having them. It was the weirdest time of my life. Sick, horrible things would go through my mind but I didn’t want to draw attention to myself… It got to the point when I couldn’t even get into the car and go to the studio. Then I went to see an amazing woman to have CBT, and she flushed everything out. It took a lot of going back to my childhood. With the help of things like Diazepam in small doses to relax me at certain times, the attacks slowly stopped and now I’m through it.”
On her father's abandonment:
“My song I Know You Care is about my dad and kind of my closure. I had a lot of anger and bitterness because he wasn’t around. So much has happened to me in the past four years; he hasn’t been part of that, and he wasn’t before. Part of me wants him to be a nice dude, and be apologetic. But I’m really worried he’s not going to be like that, so I’d rather have the question mark than the truth.”
On her former insecurities:
“I went through a time of being quite insecure. I’d convinced myself I was fat; I didn’t like my figure and I had a big nose. Now I’ve finally got to a place where I don’t focus on those things. I feel like I’m not changing for anyone; I’m doing it all for myself. Because there’s no one else to do it for. You should never change for anyone. And I say that because I’ve done it before; I’ve changed for a man… I was so, so in love with him that I’d have done anything. I look back now and think, ‘What an idiot!’ You only realize when you’re out of it how someone can have a hold over you. He treated me horrendously and I just didn’t help myself.
On her singlehood:
“My confidence has grown in the past year, as a woman… I feel strong in more ways than one at the moment… I feel very independent and feminist right now – I think maybe it’s being single. I never thought about the idea of being an inspiration. I’m not perfect; I’m not a supermodel – I drink and smoke (which I’m not proud of) and do normal things.”
Photo Credit: Peter Pedonomou for Cosmopolitan UK